Walking My Dog "Memory"

Interesting - as everything is coming into the harbor and some things will make it to their slips, others will crash against the rocks, others will just turn around and head back out to sea.  Meanwhile, all is adrift.  Yesterday I was down - I had just these memories; like an old box of Crayola crayons can’t seem to make a picture.

Job change/no confirmation, kids on the cusp of a wave that will take them away from me, what I thought was for keeps is drifting off, my youth giving way to desires to just go home and nap, my wishing I could just talk my way into a stupor but knowing that I don’t want to hurt anyone (even for the most harmless reason).  I just want to go home - and to be honest, I have none…

So I get on a jet and I go to Oz and toast with old mates, I’ll hang out in Pattaya and long to call back the mysteries I see; I’ll dream through a jungle in Costa Rica and picture you complaining with a backpack on, I’ll go to Brazil and see my children and a mother I love running through the surf.  I just bought an international phone today - I’m sure the messages from Asia will rain down on my hopes and lost friends in the West.  One day, I wonder if I should just not return and find a girl, settle down, marry, have children - but home is forever a horizon for me.  I just need someone to slap the living shit out of me - beat me into sub-consciousness, hand me a Corona, kiss me on the forehead and tell me everything is all right now.

Money, ego, longing…Christ.  What is this all about!  Why is the bitter/sweet more sweet than bitter?

Tonight - laundry, finish the three half empty bottles of wine in my fridge - pray to stay awake long enough for a walk in my neighborhood with my faithful dog Memory, tugging at the leash, just the now and the clacking sound of its drunken footsteps; as the clothes tumble in the dryer.